I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize