she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
