Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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