my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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