wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
