is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Randomize
