How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize
