after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
