just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
