More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
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