i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
