piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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