His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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