Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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