3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
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