Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
