Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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