So drunk, too bad you don't want this
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
