Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
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I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
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I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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