I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
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