Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
