Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Randomize
