my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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