i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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