I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
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