its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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