I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Randomize
