ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
