the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
