I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
