you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
