I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
