So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
