I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
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