Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
