How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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