I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
