the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
