Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
