a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
