I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
