Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
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