I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I have so many feelings about this burrito
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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