If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Randomize
