Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
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