that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
