Ambien. No doubt about it.
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Randomize
