That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
