the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
