I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
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