Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
