i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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