So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
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