Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
