Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
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