you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Randomize
