omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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