you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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