whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Randomize
