whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
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