Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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